5 stages of Republican scandal: 1. “I have not been informed of any investigation or that I am a target” 2. “I am cooperating fully, but this whole thing is a political ploy by the Democrats” 3. “I’m SHOCKED by the mistakes made by my subordinates” 4. “I’m deeply sorry for letting down my friends and family. I now recognize that I am an alcoholic. I will be entering rehab immediately, so I have no time for questions” 5. “Can I serve my time at Eglin Federal Penitentiary (aka Club Fed)?”