God

About your Savior:

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. Unfortunately, God's Earth shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy. God has been known to use his Earth shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people. God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is comprised of The Father (Daddy), The Holy Ghost (Mommy), and The Son, Jesus (Dennis the Menace). God was not always comprised of Jesus, He was comprised of matter in various unknowable states. He, however, one day decided to throw Jesus in on a whim. Jesus adds flavour. God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want, although karaoke also works. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them. If you don't believe in God, then you must believe in Satan. Satan is an angel created by God to do stuff for Him because God is lazy. Though Satan did a bad job and was fired, so now lives in Hell, where he makes a wicked goat cheese and basil panini. Because God is pure love, anybody, even good people, who don't believe in Him are forced into eternal suffering in Hell. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever. If you have any questions about God, you can consult the Bible because the Bible was written by God directly and given to humans. God even translated the Bible for everybody in later years, though the bible industry saw this as anti-competitive, and proceeded to file a class action lawsuit against God.

That's about as sensible as any other "real" description I've ever seen.